Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Randomize
