This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
