he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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