My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
