First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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