I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
