I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
