There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
Randomize
