$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
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