I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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