I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
