six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
She's the barista slut.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
