I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
