very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
