I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Randomize
