well I can't set my house on fire every night
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
What drink are we having for lunch?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
