Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
