i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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