apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
