i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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