My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
True strength comes from lack of pants
Randomize
