she woke up with a sticky ear
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
We are all done wearing pants today
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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