She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
