Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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