I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
