the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
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