dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
