GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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