did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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