I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
