The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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