Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Let's get the cat blown out
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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