my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
