I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
