Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
