The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
