You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
