Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
