I wanna bring you to show and tell
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
