I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
The best walk of shames are on the highway
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
