rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
