Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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