Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
