is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
