i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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