is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
