I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
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