Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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