im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
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