The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
